Our oldest child is leaving in 3 days to serve a religious mission for 2 years! I have to say that I've witnessed his faith in many areas lately, and it is truly amazing! He made some sacred covenants in the temple a few weeks ago and though he didn't understand everything on that initial night, he knew that everything came from God and that's all that mattered for now. He knew the full knowledge would eventually come and that for the time being he just needed to faithfully accept the teachings and try his best to follow them. It was humbling for me to witness this faith of his, and reminded me that I need to continue to work on my own faith. He also worked very hard on preparing his mission farewell talk for about a week. He truly believed that if he did his part, that Heavenly Father would help him deliver the talk well. And He surely did. The talk was amazing! Even my husband and I had never heard him speak with such power and eloquence before. We knew he was gifted at writing, but did not think he was as much so in speaking. So many people complemented him on his talk and said he is sooo ready to be a missionary. (I'm glad they think so, because as his mother, I continue to have doubts about myself and wonder if I taught him everything he needs to know). Again, my faith was strengthened, that the Lord blesses us and answers our prayers as long as we do our part.
A few weeks before this, our youngest child spoke in church on the topic of faith. He has almost always written his own talks and did again this time. Though he is only 12, I learned a lot from his talk, and had an epiphany that day on something I'd been struggling with. His words, which came from the scriptures and personal experiences, reminded me that though I typically have great faith, I had one area in which I did not, and in which I was afraid. However, during his talk, the Spirit reminded me that I needed to have faith in ALL areas, and to trust in the Lord, and that as long as I do my part, the Lord will do His. I had been afraid to work towards increasing my spirituality, primarily through prayer and scripture study. I'd had an experience some time ago where I had been doing those things and then a very difficult trial came my way. But I was able to weather it fairly well because I had [unknowingly] prepared myself, and had recently read passages of scripture that helped me. But after that experience, I was so afraid of having that same trial again, that I thought, "If I'm not prepared to handle difficult things, Heavenly Father won't give them to me." I told myself that enough times that I truly convinced myself that was true. I was actually afraid to read the scriptures because they might point out answers to problems and trials. I was afraid to pray regularly because I thought if I got closer to the Lord I'd be better prepared if something bad came my way. So I stopped doing those things. And then I got out of the habit, so that when I really did want or need to pray, I'd actually forget to do so before bed or in the morning. I also was less engaged in church. I didn't read the lessons and didn't even care if I missed sometimes. I didn't participate in discussions during classes. I didn't engage myself much with others. I was building up a wall around my heart and mind so as to not let the Spirit touch me. I would have to say that I never lost my faith, and don't think I ever will or could. That is a spiritual gift that I believe I have been given. I will always believe in my Savior and God. I will always believe that the gospel is true - every aspect of it. But as time went by, and no serious trials came my way, I thought that this was a safer choice. I felt that I was better off not growing closer to the Spirit rather then doing so and possibly having trials. Therefore, I thought the Lord wouldn't give me trials because I wasn't prepared to handle them. I have heard my entire life that trials make us grow and make us stronger, and that this life is our test. But I just kept thinking, 'Not now. I cannot deal with tests right now. Perhaps some day I will open myself up again for that, but for now I cannot.' So I was stagnant. I did not grow. I hope I did not regress, but perhaps I even did that. But after my son's talk, I realized the thing I was missing - I needed to work on the things that brought about my trial to begin with, work on doing my best at what I could do and could control on my end to help it to not happen again. And as long as I did that, then Heavenly Father would take care of the rest, take care of the things that are not under my control, and He would also bless me. I had to have faith that He would not necessarily make me go through that trial again. That perhaps I only needed to experience it once to humble me, and as long as I remained humble, I wouldn't have it again. But if I did not remain humble, and became prideful, indeed I may have to endure it again. It all of a sudden seemed so clear and so simple. How could I not have recognized that before? It took the faith of my 12 year old and his talk on that subject itself to teach me.
I feel like I should end with some scripture or some general thought that one could take away from this and feel uplifted, and feel like their faith has been strengthened in some way, or feel a desire to work on their own faith if struggling. But I have no words of wisdom. Probably because I have been out of the scriptures for too long. Or perhaps because it is 1:00am and I am avoiding sleep, though I desperately need it, because once I do go to sleep I then awake to one day closer to my son leaving. I am going to miss him so much, and will miss being a part of his experiences and growth over the next 2 years. His childhood is about to be over, and though I know he will grow and become a man and become closer to God, I do not like change and I do not like my kids growing up. It is a painful but necessary reality that I wish could be avoided. Now the tears are flowing, so I'd better finish up. Ponder on faith, what it means in all its aspects, and believe. God is great, God is perfect. Jesus saved us from so much. His attonement is what allows us to go on after trials. If He had not done that for us, some of our tests truly would be unbearable. I believe that. I am so grateful to Him for that. He must love us so much! I need to love Him in return by doing His will and showing mercy to others and forgiving others, and having charity and love towards others - towards all.
